Personal Hell
by Marie161294
Summary: Schizophrenic Jeff. His mind is his own hell especially since none of it is real.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own glee. Warning: disturbing topics. Trigger warning.**

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><p>There I sat, motionless as a statue, in the gleaming moonlight. I felt the millions of spiders crawling up my arms and legs. Blood flowing from the bites they left on there way up to my face. Screaming, I looked over at the sleeping form in the next bed. How could he sleep while I was screaming bloody murder. Maybe it was a dream and I'd wake up, but it was no use. This wasent a dream. My nightmares were real to my mind. I screamed as they bit again and I felt the poison run through my veins to my heart. I screamed again and still Nick slept. "Jeff..." the spiders hissed. "Jeff "<p>

"No! LEAVE ME ALONE! " I tried getting up but I fell back down. I tried swinging my arms trying to mqke them fly off. My hands got caught in their webs and I couldn't move. Nickleback's Lullaby filled the back of my mind but it wasn't Nickleback. I felt myself calm and the tiny monsters started to dissapear and the web turned into arms connected to a body with brown hair.

"Shh. Jeff its ok. Your ok. Shh. "

"Nick...I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep and then I..."

"Its ok. "

I looked around and the lamp was on. Wes was directing students back to their dorms. Blaine and Kurt sat on Nick 's bed. I looked at the clock. It flashed 3 am. I sight d knowing id woken up the floor again. "I'm so sorry guys."

"Jeff its ok. " Blaine sat next to me and rubbed my back. Wes came back and stood before me handing me water and a pill I knew to well. Haloperidol. The white pill stared back at me. I took it and swallowed it followed by water.

"Go back to sleep guys. I'm so sorry I woke you up." I layed down and soon fell asleep.

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><p>Schizophrenia - a complex mental disorder that makes it difficult to Tell the difference between real and unreal experiences, Think logically, Have normal emotional responses, and Behave normally in social situations.<p>

Thats what I had. I was diagnosed at the age of 5 when I thought I saw my mom get hit by a car. I screamd and cried thinking she was dead. Haloperidol stopped the delusions but I hated taking it so I only took it if I had an episode. I came to Dalton because I was bullied at school and then had episodes of being beaten. Everyone knew about me after Wes found me curled on the ground thinking I was getting beaten. News spread fast here but no one messed with me. They just let me be.

"Jeff I can't find my tie"

"In your dresser Nick."

"Jeff...I didn't say anything..." Nick came out of the bathroom wearing his tie. I groaned and fell back against the bed. "I thought the pills stopped the voices too."

"Medicine cant fix everything. Plus it helps reduce and stop them but it doesn't mean it always works."

He sat down and took my hand. "Jeff what happened last night?"

"I just freaked out. I'm sorry." I pulled away from him. We started dating months ago but I broke up with him. I didn't want to drag him into dealing with this too. I knew he didn't care and loved me but...I did t want to take the chance that I wouldn't be here much longer. I've heard horror stories of people with schizophrenia killing themselves during an episode.

"Jeff..."

"Nick don't. I'm insane and you deserve better."

"When are you gonna see that I love you and that I don't care that your schizo. I love you just the way you are." he pulled me into a hug and I let him hold me. I needed him.


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't own glee. WARNING: disturbing topics and triggering themes. Sorry if I get things wrong I'm going off the symptoms that came up while I was researching.**

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><p>I flinched as the silver blade made its way across my wris, leaving a trail of red. Blood trickled out of its escape and down my palm and fingers, finally laying dead on the tile floor. Automaticlly I made another line. A whimper escaped my lips as skin was cut in two. This was my escape. The blade left my fingers and fell to the floor with a small clink.<p>

"Jeff?" _Shit_.

"I'll be out in a second Nick." I grabbed a towel to stop the bleeding, whiped the floor, and washed the blood off my arms. The bathroom door opened and there stood Nick holding the keys. The principal had a bathroom key made for Nick since because of me. Ever since i tried to hang myself freshman year. That happend and also Nick was the only one who could be my roommate since he handled mfor when I transferred.

"Jeff..." Nick crossed over to me and lifted the towel to examin the cuts. He sighed and went on th bandage them. "What was it this time?"

"What do you mean?"trident want to answer. The vocies in my head were the worst. They made sense and I had no way to make them go away. Nick gave me a look. "They told me it would take the pain away."

"They always do and it never works in the end. Did you take your pill this morning?"

"No..."

"Jeff. How the hell do you expect to get help."

"It makes me sick." I looked at Nick with pleading eyes.

"I know but it helps you."

"Helps me? Nothing helps. It's not something that goes away Nick. I have to live with all for my whole life. The only fucking thing those fucking pills do is make me seem normal for a few hours. But I'm not normal. I'm fucking insane and can't do anything about it!" I pushed him away from me. Another symptom of my disorder. I didn't have normal emotional responses. I went to sit on my bed. Nick followed me.

"Jeff I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that."

"Please don't. I just want to be alone. " I couldn't help the tears that started falling down my face. I tried fighting when I felt Nick pull me to him but he won. I cried into his chest. I didn't want to be this way but it wasn't my choice. I pulled myself together and pulled away from Nick. "Warbler practice." he frowned but followed me down to the Warbler hall.

We sat down and Wes started talking about Sectionals. Same old thing. Blaine would sing and the rest of us would sway and sing backup. My eyes were drawn to thedouble doors of the hall. Someone ran past, their laughter filling the room up. I stood up and made my way to the doors. I swear I closed them when I walked in. The doors slam close as I touch the handle. I turned the knob, laughter still filling my ears, I turned and pulled but nothing. The doors were locked from the outside. I started jiggling the hadle and forcing the door to open but it wouldn't. We were locked in by some sick person. The temperature rose and someone was still laughing. I pulled my blazer off and started banging on the door. "Help! someone." my fist banged on the wood again and I was then being pulled back. "No we're locked in. Stop can't you see he's trying to kill us."

"Jeff look at me." I shook my head. Tears fell as I waited for the heat to suffocate me. "Jeffybear..." I found myself sitting on the floor. I started sobbing when I realized it wasn't real. People thought I was crazy. Hell I thought I was crazy this just showed mec that I was. I was pulled into someone's arms letting all my pent up anger come out as tears.

"Practice is cancelled. You can all go." Wes's voice rang around the room in an authoritarian way. The warblers left and I was left alone with Wes, Nick, and Blaine. My mind started working and I knew now that I was in Blaine's arms. He always hugged people when they needed it. He hated people in pain. His Hazel eyes met mine. I nodded and he let go. "Jeff..."

"Wes don't. I know what your going to say."

"Jeff you need help."

"Sending me to a mental house won't solve anything."

"It might. We don't want you hurt Jeff." Blaine's words hit me.

I flinched but held my ground."I'm fine and I have it under control."

"Control? Jeff you just almost ripped the door off. You punched me the other day and not to mention you were cutting earlier cause the voices told you too. You needthey'll and you won't get that here at Dalton." Nick spoke up for the first time. I just starred at him. He wanted to send me away.

"No."

"Jeff we're not asking you. I called your mom. She's picking you up at the end of the week." his eyes were emotionless.

Shaking my head, I looked up at Blaine. "Don't make me go.."

"It'll be ok Jeff. We'll miss you but you'll get better. Remember when we met in first grade?" I nod. He continues. "You had no friends because everyone thought you were crazy byou'll I saw was a scared boy who didn't know what was happening to him. Then we became friends and then we met David and Wes. Remember what we told each other at our fifth grade graduation?"

"That we'll always stay together and that the JBWD justice league would never die."

"Yup. We're here for you dude. Just remember that. We can't have JBWD without a J." that made me smile and I tackled my hobbit in a hug.

"Thanks Blaine. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Die most likely." he smiled and let me go. I sighed. I had 2 Days till my mom picked me up. Hopefully I could leave without hurting.

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><p>After dinner I was up in my dorm packing. I didn't know what I needed but my mom would probably prepare everything besides my clothes. I was in the middle of folding shirt when the door opened and in walked Nick. I didn't look at him.<p>

"Jeff..." his arms snaked around my waist from behind. I pushed him away. He sighed "Your mad at me." it was a statement.

"We're not together Nicholas. Get that through your head. You can't just walk in and pretend like the past three months didn't happen." it had been three months since I broke up with him and everyday I regretted it.

He looked away and walked to the closet. He came back with a duffle bag filled with clothes ahis other stuff. He looked at me one last time before walking out of the room and probably my life.

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><p>Two days went by fast and my mother was standing in my dorm helping me bring down my things. I wouldn't be returning to Dalton. The hospital I was going to woulMohave a teacher for all the patients. I hadent seen Nick since he left that day. Trent said he was rooming with Thad.<p>

"Ready honey?" my mom looked at me. Her blonde hair falling down in neat curls.

"I'm gonna go see the Warbler hall one last time." she nodded and I made my way dhown to the hall. I took in the welcoming feel and everything about it. This was every Warblers sanctuary, where we came for peace and to feel at home. My fingers brushed the sofa and council table. No more Wes and his obsession with his gavel. No more David and his hidden feelings towards Wes. no more Thad and his British manners. No more Blaine stealing the spotlight. No more of Trent's diva ways. No more auditions. No more Nick. No more Nick. That hurt the most.

"Jeff."

I turned at the sound of my name. The Warblers stood at the wooden doors. Wes stepped into the room and handed me a box. Inside was a dog tag with the image of Pavarotti. On the back wear the words _'Warblers 2009. Jeffery Sterling: Agent 6' _ I looked around at the crying boys. Wes hugged me and then I was hugged by every warbler as I made my way out. Only one Warbler was missing and he was the most important one. We walked out in a group. My mother waiting for me in the car. Making my way to the car was thehardest thing I've ever done. I hear the sobs of the other Warblers. My own tears feel freely as I opened the car door. I waved at the guys before getting in, never to see this place again.


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own glee. WARNING : triggering themes. Suicide scene.**

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><p>Screaming. That was all that echoed down the dull dim lit hallways. It was common in this wing of the building. All the psychotics were thrown together in the same hall. At least that's what they called us. Maybe they did. I like to think they do because it makes me think there's hope. I have been here for three months. The small two twin bed white room had become my new home. I didn't leave unless it was for meals and personal reasons. No friends except the mouse that built its home in my floorboards. Oh and the occasional person my mind made up. I didn't know what reality was anymore. My mind had taken over and I let it. It took the pain away. My mom visited me the first few weeks. They made her stop when she noticed that I wasn't me. That I wasn't normal. This place made people worse than better. I knew they helped but I didn't want their help. I wanted to go home but it wouldn't happen. So I gave up. Let the hallucinations take over. It was more exciting than what was actually happening.<p>

I was sitting in my room, it was padded, for safety. The door opened to revel Steven my usual nurse and a guy about my age. His hair was dark so were his eyes. He wore jeans and a hoodie with the word Dalton written on it.

"Jeff you have a visitor." Steven left after that. I eyed the newcomer. Somewhere in my mind I recognized this guy.

"Jeff?"

His voice sounded familiar. "Jeff isn't here at the moment. " my voice came out raspier that I remembered it to be. The familiar stranger sat next to me on the bed. "Babe..."

My head whipped up and I looked into the eyes of this person. "Look I don't know who the fuck you are but no one calls me that. The Jeff you knew died the day he was thrown in here. I'm just here to fill up the space. Maybe he'll come back but doubt it."

"Jeff... What did they do to you." he touched my hair that was short and spiked up. It was also dark blonde not the platinum blonde I used to have. "God I thought this was best... You were right. We shouldn't have sent you here."

"FUCK OFF NICK!" once the words were out I closed my mouth fast. I had worked so hard to leave everything behind and let my disorder take over. All that to revert back to this broken soul of a lonely unloved boy. Before I could stop, I was sobbing. Nick pulled me into my arms and I cried into his shoulder. After about ten minuets I stopped and kept my face in his neck inhaling his scent. He was home. "Take me home Nicky." my voice was a broken whisper.

"Anything Jeffybear. It's gonna take awhile though." I nodded and clung to him more fiercely. All too soon Steven came in telling Nick time was up. He looked at me. I let go but I'm sure I looked like a small child. He sighed and kissed my lips softly before leaving. My eyes filled with a burning sensation. My mind could be cruel, making me want what I can't have.

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><p>I cringed at the food in front of me. It was supposed to be chicken and mashed potatoes but it looked like gray pudding. The chicken had a pale tint to it. It could be edible and if it was it would make a person sick. A try plopped down next to me followed by its owner.<p>

"Jeff this is Sebastian. He's new and he's your new roommate." Steven sat next to the so called Sebastian. I just nodded. Steven sighed. I made my way to my room. My head hit my pillow as I laid down, soon I was asleep.

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><p><em>"Nick please don't." my tear filled pleas filled the room.<em>

_"Jeff I can't handle this anymore. Your insane you deserve to stay locked up." his eyes were filled with hate and disgust. I ran out of the room as fast as I could. My version became blurry and I found myself on the floor, sobbing my heart out. The pain in my chest became less and less bearable. I knew what I had to do. Body numb, mind jumbled, it was all to much to bare. My hand tightened the knot on my tie. I tied the other end to the calling fan. I took a deep breath and kinked the chair away._

I woke up gasping for the air my mind thought wasn't there. My breath returned to normal after it registered that I hasn't hanging 10 feet up on the ceiling.

"You ok?". I jumped as the voice circled my head. I looked over at the boy that looked my age ,laying on the other bed. His golden brown hair fell right above his green eyes.

"Yeah I'm fine thanks. I'm Jeff by the way. Sorry about earlier I don't like showing emotion out there."

"It's fine. I wouldn't want anybody seeing me vulnerable either. "

"Yeah especially in this place. So what you in here for?" I didn't like prying but you couldn't be to careful.

"Schizophrenia and depression. My parents made me come here because I thought I lived in Paris for five years."

"Wow. I'm In here because I kept thinking I was gonna die. My friends called my mom and she sent me here."

Sebastian nodded. "I didn't wanna come but I guess it's for the best. I don't wanna end up hurting somebody. My mom has it and she killed her sister. She's in a criminal mental institution. "

"I don't know how I got mine. My parents are fine and I don't remember having something traumatic happen to me. "

Sebastian was about to say something when the door opened. I was tackled to the ground and the door closed.

"Jeffers!"

"Hi Blaine." I laughed. He was always so huggable. He pulled back and we sat on my bed. "Blaine this is my roommate Sebastian."

"Hi." Blaine smiled.

Sebastian just stared at him. His eyes got a little spark and he smiled. "Pleasure." I swear I saw Blaine blush.

"So Jeff hows life." Blaine asked when he composed himself.

"Oh you know. As good as life can get in this place." I grabbed Blaine's phone from his back pocket.

"Jeff!" I smirked and unlocked it. I checked my Facebook, twitter and then sent a group message to the Warblers. Apparently I blanked out as I did this because once I was done I found Blaine and Sebastian deep in conversation about music. Blaine's phone started playing Teenage Dream and Nick's face popped up on the screen. I set the phone down and stared at it. "Answer it Jeff." I looked at Blaine then back at the phone. It stopped producing music and the screen went black. Blaine gave me a look. "He misses you."

"No. He needs to move on. " my voice sounded small. Nick was my life. The phone rang again and I answered this time. "Nick..."

"Jeff babe. God I miss you. Please get better so you can come home."

" I miss you too but I can't just get better. It's gonna take time and it's something I have to live with everyday."

"I know. I love you Nick."

"Love you too baby. I have to go Wes needs me to practice some song."

"Ok bye Nicky."

"Bye Jeffers." he hung up and I laid the phone down. It felt good hearing his voice but it made me miss him so much more.


	4. Chapter 4

**I am soooooo sorry for not updating this. School has been out of control even more so with me graduating in a few weeks. Again I am so sorry and will try to make it up with another chapter soon. **

**Disclamer I don't own glee. Triggering themes.**

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><p><em>April 28,2012<em>

_Steven gave me a journal. He said it would help me with deciding what was real and what is fake. Everything seems fake to me. Honestly I can't handle this anymore, but there's nothing here that can help me take control. Maybe I don't want to take control. I could just let myself fall into the abyss that lives in the back of my mind. Maybe if I let go everything will get better. I won't be in my own personal hell because i'll be insane and nothing will be able to hurt me. Or I could just take my own life. It seems like the ideal thing to do. There's just one problem. Nick. I can't leave him like this but then again he's only a teenager. He has all the time in the world to get over me. IT'S MY ONLY WAY OUT._

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><p>"Jeff its time for breakfast and your pills." steven pulled me out of my writing. I stood and followed him to the cafeteria to get my food. After I sat at my normal table. Steven left then came back with a plastic cup with my daily dose of Haloperidol. He then left to get pills for his other charges. I looked around and took the pills out of the cup and hid them in my pocket. It would take awhile but eventually I'd have enough to overdose. This was the only way because knifes and rope type objects were hard to come by in this place<p>

"You know they would probably find you before you could die." Sebastian sat next to me and patted my pocket.

"Well I have no other option unless you have a stash of knives hidden in our room."

"No but you could always make your bedsheets into a noose."

I laughed. Really laughed. I hadn't since I came here. It made me look at Sebastian differently. His eyes were beautiful. The green had flakes of gold and were encased in a ring of blue. He looked at me, concern marking his features. I stood and pulled him up to our room. Once inside I closed the door and pushed one of the beds in front of it. Seb caught on to my plan and pushed me up against the wall. His lips connected with mine in a hungry and lust filled kiss. My arms snaked around his neck and his hands glued themselves on my hips. His knee came up and pushed against my cock. I let out a small moan and pulled at his hair. He moved his mouth from my lips down to my neck and sucked on a sensitive spot.

"Seb." I moaned. He pulled off my shirt then his own. Taking control, I pushed him to the bed that wasn't blocking the door. We fell onto it and he pulled on the waistband to my pants. I pulled them off and then my boxers. He did the same then took control again. My hips bucked up as he took me into his toung ran along my shaft and I moaned again. He pulled away and spred my legs before he pushed into me. With each thrust I came closer and closer to my release.

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><p>I awoke to a different room. A very padded room and I was strapped to the bed.<p>

"Somebody get me out of here. Help!" I tried squirming out of the restraints but they wouldn't budge. The harder I tried the more the belts burned themselves into my skin. "NICKY HELP ME! " it was out before I could hold it. That's all it took for me to break down on this hell made bed. Nick. My beautiful kind Nick. He couldn't save me anymore. I lost that when I broke his heart. I lost a lot. His warm welcoming eyes that sparkled when he was happy. The way his eyes could tell me more than words. His smile and the butterflies it sent into my stomach. His gentle touch like I was the most fragile object ever. They way he stood with an air of confidence. How I was the only one who could get his guard down. I lost Him. So I cried. Eventually I cried myself to sleep. Picturing the love of my life.

When I woke up I was back in my old room. Except Sebastian was gone. Steven said he moved to a more private mental hospital. So I was again alone. I should be used to it but true is, being alone scares me.

I went back to my old routine for the next five months. Never showing my sane side. Letting insanity take over and control me. I had nothing to live for. I had no one. Steven saw my fast decline. It landed me more shrink time. I never said nothing. No one could know I cried myself to sleep every night. No one could know I clutched my warbler dog tag to my chest every night. No one could know .

I was sitting outside in a small garden admiring the flowers when a shadow cast over me. I didn't even turn. Shadows were everywhere here. The shadow lowered and a pair of arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me close. My head now rested on a chest that was familiar in every way and smelled like home. My fist clenched the fabric of his collar and I instantly started crying.

"Shh Jeff. Shh. It's ok."

"No it's not. Please don't leave me. Please...I don't wanna be alone anymore. I need you just please."

"God Jeff. I love you so much. I promise I will always be with you. " his lips connected to mine and all the demons in my head disappeared. It was a nice gentle kiss but soon it was over. "I love you Jeffie."

"I love you too Nicky. I wanna go home now." my voice sounded like a little kid.

"I know. I talked your mom. She wants to take you home too." Nicks voice was cracking. "I'm sorry I didn't visit you. I couldn't make myself come and see you like this. It would have distorted my image of you. "

"Your here now. Just be with me. Like I said I need you."

"Jeff I will always be here. Whenever you need me. I love you."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: So I don't know if I should end it here or not. Tell me in a review please. Also I don't own glee. I wish I did though. Trigger thoughts and actions. Please review. **

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><p>I'm sure you all believe in happy endings and shit like that, well I'm telling you now, don't. See after summer my mom took me out of the hospital and I went home. I found Nick hanging out with some chick with red hair and blue eyes. It was horrible. It felt like I was drowning in a sea of nothingness. I was truly alone now. Not even my ex wanted me. I should have known, Im a pathetic waste of space.<p>

"You are nothing."

"Worthless"

The voices swam through my head once again. I lied and told both my parents and doctors that the voices had stopped, but they just got louder. Especially while watching Nick flirt with his new girl. I was truly heartbroken. It felt like someone stabbed my heart and carved it out with a knife. Trent said I was being melodramatic but if he was betrayed he would think the same.

"Earth to Jeff." Kurt waved a pale hand in my face.

"Huh?"

"Stop staring. "

"Sorry but look at them. It's disgusting. He doesn't even like girls. " I took another look at the couple. Nicks arm was draped around HER shoulders. I hadn't even bothered to learn her name.

"You look like a creeper Jeff. " Kurt sat back down "Besides, staring doesn't help. I should know. I stared at Blaine. A lot."

I couldn't help but laugh but it soon turned bitter as Nick took HER hand and lead HER in my direction. "Fuck. He's bringing her. I'm not here."

"Obviously you are since I'm here and Trent is outside in your pool with Thad. "

"Fine." the doorbell rang and I ran outside to the pool and quickly jumped in. Good thing I was wearing swim shorts. As I came up for air i saw Thad give a knowing smirk.

"Hey guys." God why did he have to have such a beautiful voice.

"Sup Nickster." Thad and Trent both greeted.

"Jeff."

I refused to turn around. Nothing in the world would make me turn around. Nick sighed and started walking into my field of vision. "Jeff." his voice almost made me crack. Tears started falling and to cover them I sank myself underwater, pushing on the pool edge so I wouldn't resurface. Looking around at the chlorine water made me appreciate the beauty in it. The rippled reflection of the sun shining on an unknown world. Soon shadows were swimming in front of me. Some grabbed my legs and pulled me down to the bottom of the pool. I tried swimming back to the surface, but the shadows held me under that my Che's burned. It wanted air, needed air. I let out a scream and my lungs filled with water making me cough and breath in more water. I dropped my arms as they became heavy. Slowly I sank more to the bottom as the shadows pulled.. I didn't have the energy to fight the shadows away. My eyes closed and I heard muffled screams from the the air filled world, followed by a splash. The bleakness creeped up and I wanted its release. Of course fate had other plans because a pair of arms enclosed my waist and dragged me onto grass. A bolt of electricity flew through my body followed by my chest getting squashed then released. What the hell was happening. a burning sensation made its way up my thought and soon I was coughing up chlorine water. My eyes opened and were greeted with the sight of a very wet Nick. His shirt clung to his body and water dripped from his raven locks.

"Jeff are you ok. Oh my Gaga, don't die." Kurt's face popped into focus. Slowly I sat up with the help of Nick but was soon hugged by Kurt. After he pulled back he slapped me.

"What the...Kurt!"

"You could have died! Your drowned Jefrey! Drowned! I thought you were over the suicide attempts."

"I am. They just...the ...I'm sorry Kurt." Tears made down their way down my face. I almost died. So many times I wanted to and now I almost did. That and I couldn't tell my friends about the shadows, they would send me back to the hospital.

"Six..." I turned and looked at Nick. His dark eyes analyzing me. I looked away and stood up. He couldn't know. No one could know, I'd be sent back. My eyes fell upon the redhead. "Jeff this is Lindsey." Nick stated. A fake smile plastered itself to my face. " Nice to meet you. Sorry about this usually I'm a lot less suicidal. Now if you'll excuse me." I bowed and went up to my room locking myself in.

'He loves her. Did you see that way he looked at her. Your just another lost memory.'

"Shut up!" I looked at he mirror where my reflection just smirked.

'Poor innocent Jeffery. So naive. No one will ever love a freak. I mean look at you, your talking to yourself. Not to mention all the scars. Face it, your destined to be alone.'

"I SAID SHUT UP!" The mirror shattered as it was struck with a hairbrush.

'You know it's true.'

I covered my ears trying to drown out the voice followed by other voices that sounded oddly like the Warblers. "Just stop please." I cried out and the voices laughed.

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><p>" Nice to meet you. Sorry about this usually I'm a lot less suicidal. Now if you'll excuse me." He bowed and went into the house. All the while with a fake smile on his face. My eyes darted to Kurt.<p>

"Really Nick?...Ugh...He loves you and you bring your girlfriend to his house when he just got out of a mental house. " Kurt ran a hand through his perfectly styled hair.

"It's true. He had his big plan on how to ask you out." Trent squeaked from behind Thad.

"Whatever guys. Come on Lin." I led my girlfriend back over to her house. I had moved on. Waiting on someone who might never get better was hard, and I was tired. So I move on to Lindsey. She was perfect in every way yet I still felt empty inside. We went up to her room and I quickly pushed her onto the bed.

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><p>' Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard , When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard , Sippin sizzurp in my ride, in my ride, like Three 6 ' the sound of Jeff's voice filled the room. I pulled away from a sleeping Lindsey and answered my cell.<p>

"Hello?" My voice was dry from what I had been doing about an hour ago.

"JEFFISINTHEHOSPITAL!"

"What? Wes calm down. Why are you on Jeff's phone?"

"Jeff...he tried to kill himself again..." I hung up as soon as again left Wes's mouth. Quickly I pulled my clothes on and ran downstairs and outside to my car down the street.

To say I sped to the hospital is an understatement. I found the Warblers in the waiting room. "What he hell happened?" I made my way over to the boys.

"I went up to check on him after you left. I walked in and his mirror was shattered. He was on the floor crying and telling something to shut up. I tried talking to him but he wouldn't listen. Finally he stopped but he was different. He went into his bathroom and...he slit his wrists. His parents are with him right now but ..."

"Can I see him?" I cut off Kurt.

"Nick, Jeff is uncontrollable now. The doctors want him placed in an asylum. " Wes let the info sink in before he continued. "He hurt Thad. Thad broke down his door trying to get to him and Jeff freaked out. Thad's fine but still."

"No. Jeff is not crazy. He would never..." That day was the day my life fell apart.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/n. Thank you to all who have reviewed. Make sure to tell me who you want to be the outcome of this story. Niff or Jeffbastian? **

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><p>'Don't wake up. You don't want to face the disappointment of your friends.' I kept thinking to myself. I felt their presence and I wanted them gone. I didn't want to face the tears, words of advice, and pity they would give, but soon they all left and I feel asleep, until I was woken up by a familiar voice.<p>

"I get out of therapy and I find out your in here. I'm glad your still alive though. We only knew each other for a few months but... Your my friend. Probably my only true friend but still a friend."

"Well, who knew Sebastian Smythe had a heart." I opened my eyes and was greeted by the sexiness that was Sebastian.

"Shut it Sterling. I can leave you know." he smirked his signature smirk but it soon melted into a real smile. I couldn't help but smile too. That's the effect the real Seb had on a person. Once you got past all his walls, he was an amazing guy.

"So your cured or whatever?"

"Yeah. I just have to take pills when I feel like relapsing back into depression, but I've been good how about you?"

"Well my ex started dating a girl and it pushed me off the edge. I slit my wrists and stabbed one of my good friends while he was trying to help me. So I'm not so good. The doctors want to send me to an asylum." Tears started to fall. "God Seb I messed up. I don't wanna be locked up and I could have killed someone. Just for a stupid mother fucker who doesn't even give a shit about me." I was sobbing at this point and Seb pulled me close.

"He broke your heart. It's not your fault you lost it." Seb rubbed my back trying to calm me down. We stayed like that for a few minuets, until we were interrupted.

"Uh...Jeff...I'll just come back..." Nick looked uncomfortable in the doorway.

"No it's cool. I'll see you later Sterling." Sebastian stood and gave me a reassuring smile when I let a whimper escape my lips. Once Seb was gone, Nick sat down.

"Hey Six, how are you doing?"

"Nick I stabbed Thad. How do you think I'm doing? Why are you here?"

"Jeff I love you, I do and I know it hurts you to see me with Lindsey, but I do care about her. She makes me happy."

"It's fine Nicky. I don't even care about you dating someone else. "

Nick looked at me as if I'd grown another head. "So...um who was that?"

"Sebastian. I had sex with him and he's my friend." My voice came out like I was in a trance. Nicks eyes lost their spark and I swear I saw hurt reflected in them.

"You slept with him?" his voice was strained.

"Yeah." I looked over at the brunette

He nodded and stood up. "I'm gonna go. I have to meet Lin. I'll see ya around." Nick turned around and left.

* * *

><p>The halls of Dalton were just as I left them, elegant and making you think you were in a modern day Hogwarts. Everywhere you looked was a sea of Navy blazers and streaks of red. It was home. I was finally home. Pulling my suitcase behind me I made my way up to my new room. I was being hels back another year seeing as how I was sent to a mental hospital for part of my sophomore year. So I was a sophomore again. No big deal. It just meant another year at Dalton. On my way to room 44, I passed my old room. Room 36. I smiled as I remembered the day Nick and I begged the headmaster until he let us have the room. I made it to my new room and walked inside. My roommate had moved in already but there was no sign of him. As I was unpacking the door opened and in walked Sebastian. He made his parents transfer him here and was rooming across the hall from me.<p>

"So where's your roommate? I wanna see his face when he figures out he has to room with you."

"Ha ha. Ever so funny Smythe."

"Oh you know it Sterling." Sebastian's arms wove around my waist and pulled me against his body. "We should break in your new bed." he whispered in my ear.

"Sebby remember what I told you." I pulled away from my boyfriends arms. Yes boyfriend. We've been together for only a week but Seb moves fast. I don't mind he always catches me off guard and I love it.

"Excuse me." I turned and saw a little Asian standing at the door. Behind him stood someone I knew well.

"WES!" I ran and jumped on the older Asian.

"Jeff its good to see you too." Wes hugged me back. "I thought we'd officially lost you."

I pulled away and smiled "You won't. Once a Warbler."

"Always a Warbler." Wes finished. "Do you still have your dog tag?"

I pulled it out from behind my shirt. "Never take it off. So I'm rooming with your brother... He's not a stuck up like you is he?" Mini Wes let out a laugh.

"No I'm not. I'm Zayn. "

" Jeff."

"Jeffery I am holding you responsible for the well being of my brother. Since I am now a senior and Head councilman of the Warblers..."

"Wes shut up. "

Wes shook his head and proceeded to help Zayn unpack more things. I grabbed Sebastian's hand and led him up to the roof. I sat down. It was my favorite thinking spot. It overlooked the grounds of Dalton and was breathtakingly beautiful.

"Wow it's amazing up here." Sebastian sat next to me.

"I always come up here to think and get away. It's the one place where I feel sane. If I ever go missing this is where I am. No one knows about it. It used to be mine and Nicks back in freshman year but he grew up. "

I leaned against Seb and he held me against him. We sat there just enjoying the moment. It truly was peaceful up here. I'd there was a heaven, this is as close to it as I'd ever get.


	7. Chapter 7

**I don't own glee or One directions gotto be you. I used this song because my cousin made me listen to One direction and now I cant stop listening to them. Thank you for all those who reviewed and who put in their input for who Jeff should end up with. Sadly it was a tie. So I already have the rest of this story planned. It kinda went a differenteasy from what I originally planned but thak you to all my readers and putting up with me. **

* * *

><p>I can't believe he took him up there. That was our stop. I haven't been up there since freshman year but still. Groaning, I looked away from the two figures on the roof and headed to my own dorm. Since Jeff was held back I had to share with Blaine. I love Blaine but it was always me and Jeff, never apart. Inside my dorm Blaine was unpacking and took Jeff's side of the room.<p>

"Hey Nick. Long time no see. "

"Not now Blaine." I grabbed my iPod from its resting place on my desk.

"Oh no. You have the 'I'm about to start shit' look."

"I have a look like that?"

" Yes now tell me what is so bad that you need to cause trouble?" Blaine sat down next to me on my bed.

"I have to break them up Blaine. I just...I messed up and I need to fix this."

"Fine I'll help, but no law breaking."

"None, now this is what I have planned..."

* * *

><p>Lunch time and the cafeteria was filled with blazer clad boys. Looking around I caught sight of the blonde I was looking for. He was leaning back onto Sebastian's lap and Sebastian kept kissing his head. That beautiful bleached head was mine.<p>

"They make an odd couple. I met Seb once when I went to see Jeff. They don't go together." Blaine said from beside me. I looked over at the shorter brunette and found jealousy in his hazel eyes. "Ok Nick let's get this over with." Blaine made his way over to Wes, David, and Thad. Together they sat down at an empty table and started harmonizing to a familiar tune.

I started singing as I walked over to Jeff.

_"Boy I see it in your eyes you're disappointed_

_'Cause I'm the foolish one that you anointed with your heart_

_I tore it apart_

_And boy what a mess I made upon your innocence_

_And no man in the world deserves this_

_But here I am asking you for one more chance"_

Blaine took over and made his way towards Sebastian. I couldn't help but smile.

_"Can we fall, one more time?_

_Stop the tape and rewind_

_Oh and if you walk away I know I'll fade_

_'Cause there is nobody else"_

_[all]_

_"It's gotta be you_

_Only you_

_It's got to be you_

_Only you"_

I took over again_._

_"Now boy I hear it in your voice and how it trembles_

_When you speak to me I don't resemble who I was_

_You've almost had enough_

_And your actions speak louder than words_

_And you're about to break from all you've heard_

_But don't be scared, I ain't going nowhere"_

Thad took over now.

_"I'll be here, by your side_

_No more fears, no more crying_

_But if you walk away_

_I know I'll fade_

_Cause there is nobody else"_

_[All]_

_"It's gotta be you_

_Only you_

_It's got to be you_

_Only you"_

_[Thad]_

_"Oh boy, can we try one more, one more time?_

_One more, one more, can we try?_

_One more, one more time_

_I'll make it better"_

_[All]_

_"One more, one more, can we try?_

_One more, one more,"_

_[Thad]_

_"Can we try one more time to make it all better?"_

_[Blaine]_

_"Cause it's gotta be you_

_It's gotta be you_

_Only you_

_Only you"_

_[All]_

_"It's gotta be you_

_Only you_

_It's gotta be you_

_Only you"_

Jeff just stared at me the whole time. The cafeteria was silent, waiting for the response Jeff would never give, because as soon as I took a step closer, Jeff bolted out of the room. I tried running after him but was stopped by a very pissed Sebastian.

"What the Fuck was that Duval. You broke him, and I've tried so goddamn hard to pick up the pieces, and you do this. The only reason he's dating me is so he can move on from you. As much as that hurts, I care for him and I'd do anything to make him happy. And right now, your not on that list of things. So fuck off and leave him alone because if you hadn't noticed, your the one that drives him to insanity." Sebastian growled the words out before leaving to find Jeff.

I drove him to insanity? No that's not right. I helped him. At least I tried. "What did I just do?" I broke down right there in the middle of the cafeteria.

"Go there's nothing to look at. GO I SAID!" Wes yelled at all the onlookers before him and David pulled me up to my feet and lead me to my room. The other Warblers following behind. Once inside I plopped onto Jeff's bed. Well Blaine's now but it used to be Jeff's. It still held his scent from the Two years he used it. I could hear the Warblers trying to comfort me but it was no use. I was numb. I didn't want to feel anything and it was scary. I didn't like this feeling but it wouldn't go away. 'This is how Jeff felt everyday.' my mind told me. That thought just brought up all the sadness I was repressing and I sobbed out Jeff's name over and over again. No one knew what to do. They had never seen their friend so heartbroken.

Slowly the tears stopped and I sat up. Not looking at anyone I walked into my bathroom and locked the door. I ignored the voices from my friends asking if I was fine. I clearly wasn't. I looked in the mirror and cringed. What stared back was a guy who looked like he was hit by a car. My eyes were red and puffy and had bags underneath. My hair was sticking up in every angle possible. Slowly I sat down on the tiled floor and curled into myself. The wave of numbness engulfed me again. My eyes were drawn to my razor. Jeff always said it took away the pain. Maybe it can take away mine.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe he did that. He has Lindsey and she made him happy, and he goes and he does this. I mean what is he trying to do, does he want me back or is it a ploy to make me off myself?"<p>

"Jeff calm down. Sit and breath."

"Seb I can't just calm down!" I sat down and looked at Seb. His green eyes looked sad.

"Do you love him?"

"Yes."

"Then do what your heart tells you."

"Seb.."

"Jeff its fine. I care about you a lot and I need you to be happy. Plus Blaine seemed interested so I'll be ok. I actually do like him. From that one time we met."

I kissed his cheek "thank you for being the only one who actually helped me."

"That what I do. Now go get your short stack before someone else does."

I smiled and ran out of my dorm and down to Nick's. What I saw sent me to my knees.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N Trigger warning. Character death. Suicide. So this is the last chapter. I might do an alternate ending that's fluffy and sweet. Don't own glee or Simple Plan's Untitled or uptown girl. Nick owns that one. **

* * *

><p>Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the sight in Nick's room. The bathroom door was broken off its hinges like it was kicked in, blood handprints and footprints lead from the bathroom. Wes covered in blood crying while paramedics started pulling a stretcher out of the white room. Nick, unconscious and laying on the flat stretcher, being lead away by the paramedics. Bandages covering both his wrists. My mind wouldn't accept what happened. Slowly I walked in to the bathroom. The peaceful white disturbed by the red lining the floor, walls, sink, towels, everything. It looked like I walked into a horror movie, and I did. I walked into my own personal nightmare.<p>

'This is all your fault.' His voice, god his voice, but it was bitter and cruel. ' If it wasn't for you and your cutting I would never have gotten the idea. God why did I ever love you." Nick's brown eyes looked at me with regret and disgust.

"No I'm sorry. I didn't... I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." Arms wrapped themselves around me.

"Jeff look at me."

"No Nicky, I can't, I failed you. It's all my fault."

"Jeff snap out of it. Please." desperation lined his voice. 'Jeff your worthless.' fake Blaine smirked.

"Blaine I'm sorry. Please stop."

"Jeff...". "Dude it's ok.". "Jeffers" the warblers voices all mixed together but their words changed. I cringed at each insult. After another five minuets of insults, they stopped and I felt myself being picked up.

"Come on Killer let's get you to bed."

"Seb please not you too. Please don't tell me I'm worthless and it's my fault, cause I already know it is."

"Ok how about if I just hold you?"

I nodded and he laid me down then laid down next to me. It was cold and the bed was hard. After a moment it registered that I was on the roof not in the horror movie dorm room. I sat up and looked out at the night sky. It was clear and the stars sparkled all around. I looked around and saw all the Warblers sitting around huddled. Most of them, the ones who knew Nick since we came here, we're crying and hugging each other. The freshmen who were new clung to each other around Wes. One of their brothers had fallen and they found comfort in the head council member. I wiped my eyes and stood. I made my way over to the ledge of the roof. One false move and I would be free. It looked like a pretty sweet deal. I was brought back to the Warblers when Wes' cellphone went off. He answered it and I went back to staring at the sky. I knew it before I heard Wes sobbing. It felt like a piece of me had died as soon as the ambulance left. My soulmate, my life, my love, my best friend, my everything, was gone. And he was never coming back, and it was all my fault.

Wes, David, Thad,Trent,Sebastian, Blaine, they all pulled me into a group hug. That's where I broke down. I cried and cried until I couldn't breath. Heart wrenching sobs left me and no one could stop it. Only one person could and he was gone. There was nothing left to do except cry and scream Nick's name out into the night, hoping he'd come back to me.

* * *

><p>Three days later and I was standing around a hole in the ground wearing a suit my mom picked out for me as soon as she heard. The September heat blared down on the ceremony but I couldn't move. I was glued to the ground as the pastor spoke. There shouldn't be a pastor at a 16 year olds funeral. A 16 year old shouldn't be buried next to his grandparents. Not before his parents are. I shouldn't be standing over my best friends grave. He should be here holding my hand and we should be together. But life is a bitch and here I am standing on a September afternoon watching Nick be buried. Soon the pastor stopped talking and gave the floor to the Warblers. Slowly I made my way over to them, it hurt to much to much to be here but, it was for Nick. I took center stage and started singing.<p>

_I open my eyes_

_I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light_

_I can't remember how_

_I can't remember why_

_I'm lying here tonight_

_And I can't stand the pain_

_And I can't make it go away_

_No I can't stand the pain_

_How could this happen to me_

_I made my mistakes_

_I've got no where to run_

_The night goes on_

_As I'm fading away_

_I'm sick of this life_

_I just wanna scream_

_How could this happen to me_

_Everybody's screaming_

_I try to make a sound but no one hears me_

_I'm slipping off the edge_

_I'm hanging by a thread_

_I wanna start this over again_

_So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered_

_And I can't explain what happened_

_And I can't erase the things that I've done_

_No I can't_

_How could this happen to me_

_I made my mistakes_

_I've got no where to run_

_The night goes on_

_As I'm fading away_

_I'm sick of this life_

_I just wanna scream_

_How could this happen to me_

_I made my mistakes_

_I've got no where to run_

_The night goes on_

_As I'm fading away_

_I'm sick of this life_

_I just wanna scream_

_How could this happen to me_

I finished and stepped back so Blaine could take over.

_Uptown Girl lyrics_

_oooh, oooh, uptown girl,_

_she's been living in her uptown world_

_i bet she never had a backstreet guy_

_i bet her momma never told her why_

_i'm gonna try for an uptown girl_

_she's been living in her white bred world_

_as long as anyone with hot blood can_

_and now she's looking for a downtown man_

_that's what i am_

_and when she knows what_

_she wants from her time_

_and when she wakes up_

_and makes up her mind_

_she'll see i'm not so tough_

_just because_

_i'm in love with an uptown girl_

_you know i've seen her in her uptown world_

_she's getting tired of her high class toys_

_and all her presents from her uptown boys_

_she's got a choice_

_oooh, oooh_

_uptown girl_

_you know i can't afford to buy her pearls_

_but maybe someday when my ship comes in_

_she'll understand what kind of guy i've been_

_and then i'll win_

_and when she's walking_

_she's looking so fine_

_and when she's talking_

_she'll say that she's mine_

_she'll say i'm not so tough_

_just because_

_i'm in love_

_with an uptown girl_

_she's been living in her white bred world_

_as long as anyone with hot blood can_

_and now she's looking for a downtown man_

_that's what i am_

_oooh, oooh_

_uptown girl_

_she's my uptown girl_

_you know i'm in love_

_with an uptown girl_

_my uptown girl_

_you know i'm in love_

_with an uptown girl_

_my uptown girl_

_you know i'm in love_

_with an uptown girl_

_my uptown girl_

_you know i'm in love_

_with an uptown girl_

The crowd applauded and then went back to watching the workers lower the casket and start filling up the hole. I didn't cry, I had cried to much in the past four days. I knew when I got home I'd break down, but not here. This was to important for me to mess up, besides all I felt was numbness. Nick always was my better half. The ceremony finished and I still stood there. The tombstone stared back at me. It had his name and life span like all the normal tombstones. But it had music notes carved into it as a border. The Warbler symbol carved into the top center of it and the words "3 to my 6 " carved at the bottom with other quotes made from the Warblers and his family.

"I love you Nicky. I always have and always will. We'll be together again someday." I wiped away a few stray tears and made my way out of the cemetery and over to Sebastian's car.

* * *

><p>I wish I could say I moved on, but I'm not a liar. Everything hurts to much it all reminds me of Nick. I can't keep living like this. Which is why I'm up on my roof staring down at all the students making their way to class. It's my senior year. Nick never got to his senior year. He didn't graduate. So why should I? I wish my life had a happy ending, but it doesn't and I can't ever be happy without the one I love. That's why I'm standing here, why various pill bottles are thrown around the roof, and why most of them have their contents thrown about. Why my body is getting heavy and shutting down, and why I'm falling asleep in the peaceful beauty of Dalton. This is how the story of Jeffery Sterling ends. This is how he reunited with the love of his life and finally after 18 years, how he became happy.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>So...I'm sure you all want to kill me now. Sorry for the super angst but it felt right. For my Jefbastian fans I'm working on a one shot and for my Niff fans which I'm sure most of you are...I'm working on the other ending. So review and let me know what you think. Reviews make me happy cause people actually like my work. Thank you for keeping up with the story. <strong>


	9. Chapter 9

**So here's the alternate ending. I am going to make a sequel but it won't be that long. **

* * *

><p>It had been two weeks since the episode in Nick's room. I wish I had imagined it, that it had all been a figure of my tainted imagination, but it wasn't. Nick had really almost committed suicide and it was all my fault.<p>

'_Useless.'_ the word kept running through my mind, stabbing my heart and soul. Again I found myself crying uncontrollably, the tears flowing over onto my homework. He would come home today, only to find the broken shell of what was once his best friend. I couldn't stay here. It would only lead to worse things. Nick deserved happiness and I couldn't give him that. I made my decision and tossed my homework onto the floor. No one would miss me.

_'No one loves you.'_ ran throng my head as I packed my bags with clothes and other valuables. I had to leave. I looked over the room one last time. The only indication of me leaving was the opened closet and my cleared off nightstand and shelves. My homework lay on the ground along with my discarded Dalton uniform. My desk filled with books and picture frames. The only thing missing from the desk was my laptop that lay beneath my clothes. I closed the door and made my way downstairs and out to the parking lot. Throwing my bags into the back of my car and starting it, I said my silent farewells. Pulling out of the lot and out of the gates was the hardest thing I have ever done. My heart was left back in my dorm room with the rest of my dalton existence. Tears threatened to fall but I held them back. There was only one place I could go...


End file.
